Aubrey Marcus, “Radical Monogamy” and Spiritual Narcissism

My thoughts on the sinister nature behind the recent relationship revelations shared on Aubrey's online platforms.

Now before I begin, I want to preface this article with some grounded perspective – I do not know with absolute certainty what Aubrey is saying is true or untrue (more on the potential cunning nature of this later). I do not pretend to know what is best for Vylana or Alana or for their collective relationship dynamic. Let’s not forget these people are all sovereign beings with the right to live their lives however they please. This article is purely based on personal opinion, my knowledge on human behaviour and I would also say with strong conviction, intuition.

Years ago, I was a big Aubrey Marcus fan. I loved his podcast and his poetic writing, and I believed he was a force of good in the world. Over time, and perhaps as my instincts sharpened, something started to feel off and I decided to unfollow him on social media. There was a subtle leaky energy I started picking up on. Something felt disingenuous, especially when he spoke about love, relationships and spirituality. In Gen Z terms, I believe this is referred to as “the ick”, however I believe the energetics of what I was tuning into was much deeper and far more sinister than that.

I will also note that Aubrey sold his company Onnit to billion dollar corporation Unilever, who does not have a very respectable reputation having had a number of lawsuits filed against them, consistent with most corporations of this scale. However I’m sure Spirit told Aubrey to do that too, for the greater good of course, and not for his own monetary gain.

Firstly, let’s identify a pattern we see with Aubrey. He has gone back and forth between monogamous relationships and polyamorous relationships a number of times, often to the detriment of his monogamous female partner. In the words of Maya Angelou, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. I am not going to extensively pull apart the relationship dynamics of Aubrey and Vylana, and now also Alana in too much detail because 1) I don’t have all the information and 2) I don’t clearly understand the boundaries, if any, that are in place in this relational dynamic, as it seems there was an open relationship agreement at some point and all sorts of scenarios and people were invited into their so-called sacred space.

Absolving & Deferring Responsibility

One of the main concerns I have with Aubrey is the way he deflects and absolves himself of responsibility by placing Spirit, God and Plant Medicines as the source of his motivations, decision making and actions.

“Jesus take the wheel while I build my sex cult empire!”

We often hear Aubrey state that he receives downloads, messages from Spirit, God/Goddesses/Plant Medicines, and in this specific case, some sort of divine guidance from the Goddess Isis which apparently led him on a holy mission to celebrity dating app Raya, followed by the Godly message to impregnate both women he is now in a relationship with. What is awfully convenient about these mystical experiences is that no one can say with absolute accuracy whether they did or did not happen. These so-called exchanges between Aubrey and the divine cannot be seen or heard (or verified) by another, and therefore it makes it harder to hold him responsible and accountable for his actions and decisions. 

I believe that if we removed the spiritual veil from this whole situation, it would strip everything back to the truth of what this really is, which is a man who is unable to be monogamous, cannot control his desire and lust, and wants to be with multiple women at once.. also known as having your cake and eating it too. He is really nothing other than a promiscuous individual moonlighting under the guise of enlightenment. Doesn’t sound so noble now does it? This is where I believe spiritual narcissism comes into play. 

Spiritual Narcissism

Spiritual narcissism occurs when an individual uses their spirituality or spiritual beliefs to gain power, control, and admiration from others, which Aubrey has in spades.

Aubrey has also coined a new term for this type of relationship – radical monogamy. In his words, he justifies it as “a new pattern of sacred relationship”. One of the core traits of a narcissist is grandiosity. In my opinion, it doesn’t get much more grandiose than inventing a new type of relationship construct in an attempt to validate and substantiate your questionable and potentially harmful actions. Furthermore, to add to the spiritual narcissism, he disguises his inability to be fully satisfied in his relationships (and in his life) by labelling it as an evolution of love, cosmic expansion and ultimately him reaching higher states of Truth.

In the Youtube interview, he puts his hands up and says ‘this will sound so woo woo’ right before sharing the revelatory message he received about impregnating both women, as if to prime his listeners in a way that makes it sound as if he is equally as perplexed as we must be with the whole experience. Again, trying to absolve himself of responsibility and accountability, and separate himself from his own actions and the issue at hand. Very covert and very cunning, if you ask me. If it’s so left field Aubrey, so woo woo and so unbelievable, and not to mention so sacred, why are you airing a public Youtube interview on it to millions of people?

Has Aubrey considered the possibility of the messages and downloads he receives not being from a higher power but rather from a darker entity he has picked up from his heavy use of plant medicines?

As someone in a position of power and having great influence over his audience, Aubrey should be more responsible with the message he is spreading and the delusion that I have no doubt he would be seeding into some vulnerable beings' consciousness about what expansion, growth and love look like.

Absence of Safety

For those of you who watched or listened to the interview on Aubrey’s Youtube, which I personally struggled to get through, you may have observed, felt and/or heard the apparent lack of safety in Vylana’s voice, body language and overall demeanour. Again, I will emphasise that this is speculation, not absolute fact. The way she expressed that she was constantly having to meet her edge in this relationship, that she did not have a desire for polyamory, that this was her greatest fear and biggest initiation.. the way she cried and and the way her voice quivered when she spoke about the fear and subsequent pain she had been navigating, broke my heart. For the most part, I’ve seen Vylana as a resolute, strong, empowered woman.. And, even the strongest of people can be manipulated, coerced and broken down by others.

Woman to woman, that did not feel like pain that had been processed, let alone healed. It stirred up memories of a struggle I know all too well – contorting yourself so painfully to meet the needs or demands of someone you love. I don’t believe that someone who truly loves you, cares for you and wants the best for you, would allow you to go through such intense suffering to give them what they want.

Love and romantic relationships absolutely stretch us at times, however they should not feel this way on an ongoing basis. If a relationship is constantly placing stress on us, constantly pushing us to our edge, there is no way we are able to access safety in our nervous system. By entering into a sacred union and marriage with Vylana, Aubrey has committed to providing psychological safety for her, at the absolute bare minimum. Psychological safety is underpinned by consistency, stability, connection and repair, which seems to be absent in this relationship dynamic.

Sometimes meeting your edge is actually your body telling you in a very clear and visceral way that you are not okay with something. Not every bit of psychological resistance we encounter is an invitation to grow and evolve and get comfortable with something that is causing us discomfort.

We have a sympathetic nervous system for a reason – to warn us of danger and threat. If we conflate every threat, sensation of discomfort or feeling of being unsafe with an invitation for growth, we could be inviting ourselves into some very dangerous and harmful situations and relationship dynamics. I say this from past experience, where I mistook my chronic unease and anxiety in a romantic relationship for a problem I needed to overcome, thinking there would be some sort of liberation on the other side. But sadly no, there was actually just a deeper well of self-abandonment that was lying on the other side waiting for me.

Machiavellian Behaviour Masquerading As Truth

Machiavellianism is a term used in psychology that refers to a personality trait where a person is so focused on their own interests they will manipulate, deceive, and exploit others to achieve their goals and get what they want.

Aubrey and Vylana speak of valuing radical honesty but really this just sounds like unbridled self-expression and unrestrained sexual desire masquerading as truth. Self restraint and containment are good and necessary things. We aren’t meant to validate or share every thought, feeling or desire with our partners, let alone the world.. as my partner and mentor to many men

Jaguar Heart

often says — handle your shit and don’t let it spill out onto everyone around you, especially those you supposedly love and care for.

If this is all so legitimate, why do you need to bring along your therapist, who I might add has been accused on multiple occasions of child molestation and sexual assault, to validate and legitimise this whole situation via the excessive and confounding use of spiritual jargon?

No, Aubrey, I don’t believe for one second that you have a “thriving wild stallion of Eros inside of you”. I am absolutely convinced however, that you believe your own delusions of grandeur. My theory is that Aubrey is just another human who is chronically dissatisfied in life, and he continues to search for some deep sense of happiness, fulfilment or satisfaction through his indulgent use of plant medicines and sleeping with multiple women. He is a slave to his lust and desires and he has masterfully wrapped this up under the guise of enlightenment and spirituality. Gross.

I am typically against character assassination, and I hope this article does not read as an attack on Aubrey’s character, but rather a deeper examination of his behaviour and the way he conducts himself in the world. I firmly believe it is healthy and vital to question people in positions of power and influence and for me, his character IS seriously in question. 

I see so much talk of toxic masculinity these days and it seems like the target mostly falls on the backs of men who actually want to protect and provide for society and embody traditional values of masculinity, yet a man like Aubrey remains on his Machiavellian podium largely untouched and unaccountable for the harm he causes and is yet to cause. 

Can we talk about how he wants to bring multiple children into this harmful relationship construct? 

Is Spirit going to swoop in and raise two families for him while he continues to do plant medicine regularly, party at Burning Man and engage in polyamory and deflect his responsibilities? 

Has he thought about the negative impact and the consequences of his actions on the women in his life, his future children and the many people who look up to him? 

In my eyes, this is not a man of integrity or a man worthy of praise and admiration. 

This is not the beacon of masculinity or conscious relating.

This is the insidious side of (false) spirituality. 

Stay woke friends!